I have a new goal

[Rapta]

I stopped playing about a year ago, while I was in my prime. It was because improving was all that I wanted to do, and I had reached a wall that seemed impossible to overcome to get to the next level. I couldn't really describe with words what I had to do to get over the wall, but now I have figured out how to word it.
I had to move my fingers to hit notes before my brain was able to register the notes were there to be hit. Now, I was going through very tough times, and depression made me feel like I couldn't pass that proverbial wall, so I started playing less and less and ultimately stopped altogether.
I'm better (mentally) than I was then. I have a new way of looking at things (somewhat) at this time. I still carry a fatal flaw that took root upon my personality around the time I quit playing FFR, and that flaw was dependency. Basically I mean, unless I have someone around me doing the thing that I am doing, I have NO motivation to do that thing or anything else, whether it be schoolwork, FFR, working out, single player video games, everything that was my life up until my depression, my new dependency took those things I enjoyed doing by myself away from me. My depression caused me to require someone to attach to. Someone, just one someone, to live for. At first it was my best friend (ever since I flunked out of 10th grade I haven't gone to the same school as her, and she became less interested in me because of the inability to see each other and her busy schedule. Because I didn't have a someone, I got even more depressed. I barely managed myself during this time. I tried attaching to various people over the internet (because at this point my anxiety was too strong to befriend people at my new school), and eventually I attached to Hakulyte. After a while, he scolded me, told me he was not a daily activity to expect. It kind of crushed me. He was right, completely not in the wrong, even though my feelings were hurt. Then I stopped playing Chess (which he and I were playing daily, but I lost motivation) and started playing Call of Duty Infinite Warfare. After thinking about what Hakulyte said, I stopped trying to attach to someone.. Which, with my flaw (needing to be around someone for motivation to do something), I figured if I played COD I would constantly be playing with people, who had microphones, and a purpose and activity with which to spend my time with those people (the game). Then I started playing the game competitively. I joined a competitive team, but they eventually anted to move to a game that I didn't want to and I left the team. I joined another team sometime after that was much more professional and I broke two of their community rules over the course of our playing and they kicked me. The second rule I broke, I did it while being in an argument, and I just kinda yelled "FUCK IT" and got off. Apparently that's against their rules. It absolutely crushed me. I stopped playing COD. I broke my headset and controller. Then I just turned to watching media like Youtube and movies constantly. I would wake up watch media and go to sleep, having many naps during the day (oversleeping) because I had no motivation to do anything else. While I was in this cycle, I was depressed again. Eventually I attached to Hakulyte again, trying to keep from being depressed (I am describing the recent past month now). When i say attached, I mean 12 hour Skype calls almost daily, constantly talking with him, playing video games. He left for Anime North a few days ago and I've been alone again, but I haven't felt as alone as before my recent re-attachment. Haku kind of got me back into playing FFR. I've been playing it by myself too, which is improbable of me to do with my flaw (requiring people for motivation). I think it is because I know he will be coming back and I will be able to spend more time with him again and he likes playing FFR so I want to be able to be his rival by the time he comes back.
I feel like Hakulyte has helped me a lot, whether I refer to his putting up with my selfishness, his fulfilling my loneliness, his helping me be less selfish by reminding me of how other people feel, and helping me finally play a game by myself after so long (FFR). Thank you Haku x-x

Let me get to my second point. I am gonna get back to where I was, skill wise. I am going to pass that wall I backed down from a year ago. I won't be trying to compete with the best of the best anymore, not any time soon at least, because I have skill dropped HARD (at best I am D6.5 right now), but I will be improving at a comfortable rate, and I am intending to pass that wall eventually.
Thanks for reading.

edit: I flunked from 10th grade not because of my grades, but because social anxiety and depression kept me from attending the very end of the school year which was the important testing period. I had all A's in my classes but failed them because I didn't feel up to attending school during testing period, and ultimately failed the grade, even with my A's.

[Sanjixcon]

good read rapta i believe in u dude u can do it! but yea hakulyte is the man def one of the coolest/nicest ppl on ffr

[Hakulyte]

Rapta, what's a rivalry from your point of view in the context of FFR ?

[Rapta]

Rival in skill

[Shadow_God_10]

Hey dude I might not be anywhere near you in skill but I play SM every day, so if that's motivation for you then check out my progress thread! I've made leaps and bounds and shattered so many walls that were hindering me when I went on my 3 year hiatus

To give an example: We Luv Lama (Hard) because I know I'm not anywhere near the skill to pass oni

I played that file SO many times 3 years ago and couldn't pass the first jumpstream section for the life of me... 3 weeks ago I was like "eh... what the hell".. and I did it... now I'm close to a AA on it with under 220 perfs or something idk...

To give you a quote from Eminem "You can do anything you set your mind to man". That should help you to tell yourself "Yeah.. I can do this.. and I can do it by myself". Self improvement is one of the best parts of a game like this. For me it's about playing a hard song once a month just to see how well I've progressed. I'm close to AAing Jersey Spirit now, I'm almost at 90% on Nergal Burning, and I've FC'd songs I never thought I could and I've only been back into this for about 3 months. You got this man, and if you wanna vent drop me a PM any time you need and I'll get back to you within less than a day or so

[Hakulyte]

Originally Posted by Rapta

Rival in skill

You just got 4-0-2-0 Call me it.
I have 86-13-5-13 Call me it.

You're FFR Rank 11.
I'm FFR Rank 85.

I feel like catching up to you at your best is currently unrealistic for me.
My main motivation comes from fun which comes from giving myself goals that I consider possible.

Your motivation seems to come from having someone to relate to while going for personal best scores.
I feel like you may already know this, but your "ultimate rival" should be yourself.

Note that this doesn't stop me from caring about your scores.
It's just that at the end of the day, it's all about self-improvement and what feels right to do to get there.

I tend to prefer to approach this game in a more cooperative manner than competitive.
We're both playing against the game rather than each others imo to beat content. (beating content = AAA songs because it's the max score)

I do enjoy discussing about how to hit patterns and play this game regardless.
Watching other players get better over the years is also a very interesting experience.

Ironically, I'd be one of the firsts to run away from competition because I don't handle pressure well when it comes to getting good scores. (I never got top 8 in an Official somehow)

Anyway, I still enjoy playing this game and I hope you do actually have fun with it too.
I'm just unsure about how you actually want to approach this. I understand not everyone plays the way I do.

[Shadow_God_10]

Hakulyte hit the nail on the head. Everyone plays and enjoys this game differently so it's up to you to set your own goals that are feasible for you