i have weird feelings in regards to my birthday. i don't dislike it, but i don't want to commemorate, i feel like i have little to no reason to. i want people to remember it and congratulate me, but i don't want to remind them, and i don't want the people to remember to be the ones i don't care as much about. i want to receive gifts, but i don't want to ask for them. this time, i was close from asking for a specific friend to buy something for me, but we stopped talking. in general, i don't think i have good memories from my birthday. it's possible i'm just being pessimistic, but if i go back year by year, no good memories could stick in my head. once again, i'm not doing much different to try and change that. i mean, i wanted to, but my friends group shifted in a terrible way as the holidays came. and, funnily enough, part of the reason the shift has happened is how the holidays got me tremendously anxious, and how my friends couldn't really realize that.

this is mostly a vent that i'd usually have made on twitter, but i decided upon not doing it. i think this is a good change of pace, as for now. i also think this birthday is already slightly better than the last one. i have people who love me, and who show this daily. i don't think i need a specific date for them to prove that to me. and, despite of that, they still did.

i'm a heck of a dreamy girl. at times, this is my sin, and my doom. everything in my head and in my own dream world is idealized. at the same time, it's not like i expect rainbows and cotton candy falling from the skies. i mostly want basic human decency, mutual care, bonding. this is already too long of a vent so i won't dig down too much, but i'll have it said that, whenever i have to completely abandom this dreamy world of mine, i'm overwhelmed with such a terrible and dreadful wave of feelings, that i wonder if it's even possible i could leave that behind. little by little, with no compromise, i'm trying to find the perfect balance spot. it's a hard task, but i've never had it easy in the first place. and, of course, as i've been slowly realizing for the past months: i'm tired. but i should also be telling me that it's okay to be tired, and rest a little more. this is not a race of any sorts.