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hai x.

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Can a person really describe who they are? I know I can’t. I don’t know who I am anymore. People see me differently than I see myself. I’m not who I think I am. I’ve changed. People change. Life changes. I’m scared of change, I know that. I’m scared of commitment, trust, and truth. Why trust? I trusted people. I trusted them too easily. But why was it so easy for them to leave me? It hurts. Yes my heart has been broken, and I've made my share of mistakes. I don't regret any of it. Every person I've met has left me a story with them. Yes, I screw up, I hurt people, people hurt me, but it all makes me stronger. I suck with relationships, to be honest. Not just boy relationships, but friendships, and family. I know it sounds like a whole bunch of “Life sucks” garbage, but I’m trying to be honest here. Majority people aren’t honest with themselves anymore. They’ll write down what they think people want to hear, and what makes them who they’re really not. Why can’t people be honest with themselves?

I like laughter. I like making people laugh. I’m not saying I’m a funny person, but when I make someone laugh, I feel enlightened. I know a smile is worth more than words. Smile. :] No matter how much a person hurts you, don’t let them see you damaged. I know I’m still weak, but I’ve grown strong. I still let little things get to me, but I can’t change who I am anymore. I’ve been through a lot. Don’t underestimate me. Just because I haven’t been through what you have, doesn’t mean I don’t have it tough.

I’m scared of pain. I’m scared of my last breath. I’m scared of being hurt. I’m scared of falling in love. I’m scared of holding on. I’m scared of letting go. I’m scared of never waking up. I’m scared of silence. I’m scared of letting you hold me. I’m scared of walking alone. I’m scared of having regrets. I’m scared of a world with no music. I’m scared of having no time. I’m scared of change. I’m scared of lies.

I’m not scared of being different. I’m not scared of sleeping with my teddy. I’m not scared of what people think. I’m not scared of getting through a hard time. I’m not scared to turn to God. I’m not scared of losing friends. I’m not scared of walking in the rain. I’m not scared of hugging people. I’m not scared of the dark. I’m not scared that one day I’ll leave this earth. I’m not scared of you.

Don’t act tough. Don’t be what people want to see. Don’t be a copy. Don’t hurt others. Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t make stupid choices. Don’t try to be perfect. Don’t fall in love too easy. Don’t trust everyone. Don’t take life for granted. Don’t take advantage of people. Don’t forget there are people in this world who have it rough. Don’t assume. Don’t judge people. Don’t label people. Don’t be selfish. Don’t be like everyone else. Don’t regret the past. Don’t rush your future. Don’t ruin other people’s futures. Don’t forget people do love you. Don’t drown yourself in self-pity. Don’t care what people think of you. Don’t be a follower. Don’t be a fake. Don’t leave the ones you love.

I don’t like girls. Girls are more complicated than intended. I don’t like wasting my time getting a girl to trust me. They all screw you over, eventually. I would know.

Why can’t we love one another? Why can’t we believe? Why can’t we be honest? Why is love involved with pain? Why do people find pleasure in pain? Why does the rain stop falling? Why do the candles go out? Why do people take their last breath? Why are people self conceited? Why do people act tough? Why do people hate? Why are you reading this? T_T.

I’m waiting to exhale. I’m waiting for things to turn right. I’m waiting for the right one. I’m waiting for my future. I’m waiting to be adored. I’m waiting to see the bright side. I’m waiting for things to change. I’m waiting for another chance. I’m waiting for people to find me. I’m waiting for chances at another life. I’m waiting to be saved. I’m waiting to catch my own fall. I’m waiting to find the real me. I’m waiting to be discovered. I’m waiting.

I can’t wait to be forgiven. I can’t wait for you to say you’re sorry. I can’t wait for your excuses. I can’t wait to be loved. I can’t wait for you.

I love music. I have craving for guitar, and piano. Five years piano, teaching myself guitar. I’ve never found a creative side in me, but I find interest in art. I don’t draw too well, but I tend to mindlessly draw pictures of broken love. I’m not too interested in paintings, but rather sculpture, and its meaning. Lyrics to a song are more than just words spoken. They are beauty flowing from a person’s mind. They hold more than a listener intends to understand. They capture me like a Pokemon being ambushed by a pokeball. Melody’s are pure anesthetics. They are thought out carefully, and executed precisely. Music is a passion, not an interest, to me.

God is my number one priority. I fall, though. I fall hard when I realize I’m turning away from him. He still shows his mercy. I know he will never leave me, no matter how many times I leave him. He is my best friend, my life, my world. He has done many wonderful things in my life. This sounds like every Christian’s story, but it is so true. Why do people hide who they are? I AM A CHRISTIAN AND I AM PROUD. I LOVE GOD AND WHAT HE HAS DONE FOR ME. I HAVE SEEN GOD’S WORK. I HAVE WITNESSED HIS LOVE. May God forgive those who have no faith in the true life.

I love life. I used to hate myself. I used to want to kiss the world goodbye. I used to be selfish and want to terminate my life on this earth. I’ve changed. I don’t know if it’s for the good or for the bad, but I have definitely changed. I know people commit suicide, and yes I’ve traveled deep into that path. I was confused, lost, but now I’ve found myself. I can truly say my life is amazing. Even though it is not perfect, I’ll live till God approves of my work on earth.

My name is Natasha. This is me. Love me or not, I’ll always be me.